Excerpts from my diary...
I felt so stupid in the morning. Realized and discovered a few things. The unconscious messages, the insecurities, the immature acts. Everything. The internalization. But when did it begin? What sort of repression and suppression am I going through? I feel so alone in front of good bounded people. I feel intimidated in front of two women. Why do I feel alienated. I am also a woman. or may be I want to get so much dissolved in the male domain that I have stopped identifying myself as a woman. I realize that I don't show emotions und Ich verachte die Leute, die tief gefühlvoll sich darstellen können. warum ist es so? I despite knowing what's happening cannot stop it. I can go deep and understand how the colours of different emotions of different people are being mixed but I don't feel camouflaged with it.
Its either of the extremes. Either I am given too much or I am given too little. That's the reason that I can't show emotions. I feel..yes I ''feel''... the moment I realize that I feel, I realize it is through language that I realize that can ''feel''. I feel lonely. Yes, I write and that's how I feel... the process of feeling. Is it that when I feel I write that I am lonely or is it that when I write so I start feeling lonely. but I feel... I definitely feel. It feels such a relief to ''feel''.
I felt so stupid in the morning. Realized and discovered a few things. The unconscious messages, the insecurities, the immature acts. Everything. The internalization. But when did it begin? What sort of repression and suppression am I going through? I feel so alone in front of good bounded people. I feel intimidated in front of two women. Why do I feel alienated. I am also a woman. or may be I want to get so much dissolved in the male domain that I have stopped identifying myself as a woman. I realize that I don't show emotions und Ich verachte die Leute, die tief gefühlvoll sich darstellen können. warum ist es so? I despite knowing what's happening cannot stop it. I can go deep and understand how the colours of different emotions of different people are being mixed but I don't feel camouflaged with it.
Its either of the extremes. Either I am given too much or I am given too little. That's the reason that I can't show emotions. I feel..yes I ''feel''... the moment I realize that I feel, I realize it is through language that I realize that can ''feel''. I feel lonely. Yes, I write and that's how I feel... the process of feeling. Is it that when I feel I write that I am lonely or is it that when I write so I start feeling lonely. but I feel... I definitely feel. It feels such a relief to ''feel''.
